Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
