my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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