He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
