I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
