well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
