i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
