Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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