I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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