My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
