He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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