I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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