i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
