this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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