Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
