Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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