I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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