Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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