Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
