Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
