the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
