Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
