We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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