If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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