When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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