There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
