Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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