I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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