Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Is that strawberry winking at me??
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
