getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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