Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
