you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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