it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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