I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
as a side note pls kill me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
