All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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