mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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