i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
