this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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