I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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