I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
