I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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