He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
