I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
