nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
