Sorry, I don't speak sober.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
