I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
