seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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