So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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