I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
