Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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