I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
