just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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