I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
