PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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