I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
