Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
