the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Of course I have a pirate flag
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
