so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
