I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
