so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
