you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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