Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
