What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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