pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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