Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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