dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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