I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're not piercing ourselves today.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
