listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize