so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
