there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
